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Andy Cohen and his Housewife Empire

March 17, 2010

Hi All,

I have been away a while but I have returned because I am finally making some progress with the animations I wanted to accompany this stuff.  So without further ado let me get to my topic.  Look I’m not pining away for classic Bravo to return with Opera and Kabuki theater but making it Andy Cohen TV is a little much.  Granted I used to enjoy the Twin Peaks reruns every night and the fact that Bravo never had commercials.  But, OK time moves on and I move with it.

Bravo is now all about obnoxious people.  Whether they be in real estate, PR, Fashion, hairdressing, high school or a “simple” housewife.

I speak of course about the Housewives of New York, Atlanta, New Jersey (yuck), and of course Orange County the one that started it all.  I must admit these shows for me a guilty pleasure, but the OC one which just ended has lost it’s luster.  The show used to center around 5 people that were all connected in some way, Jeanna lived next door to Vicki, they both knew Kimberly, Laurie worked with Vicki and Slade knew Jeanna and by proxy she knew Jo.

There ya go.  And every year they’d fight have nonsense and then move on to the reunion where they’d have to defend what they did when it was shown to them and every year people would watch that show and think to themselves.  “Man who is this idiot and why are they letting him host this?  He can’t even ask a follow up question.  What a tool.”

Nice when you can give yourself a show

From my Watch What Happens Live parody; Watch it BELOW

We have since come to learn that host Andy Cohen was a Bravo executive and decided to put himself on that show.  All one would need to do is consult a message board for 3 minutes to see that was not such a bright decision.  But what happens instead?  Well of course power corrupts so Andy decided he needed a weekly live show to follow his produced shows because he needs ever more expose.  So he can sit there like the dirt poor man’s Dean Martin with the drink but none of the humor or charm.  He has Housewives on to discuss the show that just aired and takes calls from well wishers.  But he is clueless, has no idea how to highlight a  guest and gets visibly annoyed when a guest upstages him.  All the while scoffing down drinks hitting on male guests, making sure we all know he’s Jewish and gay, and doing goofy bits that don’t have any point and the housewife de jour usually doesn’t even understand how to play.

Having said that I must sum up this past season on the OC housewives, as simply kind of awkward.  Its lost its charm, they don’t know each other nor do they have real lives outside of the show and what they can get from it.  Let’s take a look:

Vicki:  She’s the worst of the bunch, she’s the only original cast member left and feels that entitles her to some sort of odd cell block respect and bowing down.  She’s also a serious Narcissist.  Everything she does and says is right and whatever anyone says around her that’s not praising her no matter what the topic is “insulting” to her and she will let you know, cry and storm off.  It must be about her 100% of the time, it must be flattering and she feels no need to reciprocate.  Usually, she’s just looking to hammer someone and feel superior in the way she feels she of course is.  She frightens me, narcissists are SCARY.  I have a relative that’s one so when i see her I just want to RUN AWAY and HIDE!

www.BigJerkNetwork.com

Vicki Gunvalson

Lynne:  Last year was Lynne’s first and she was a lil slow on the uptick but seemed harmless enough.  Well, this year we were shown eviction #3 and her two daughters one worse than the other.  Although I suppose if I had to deal with Alexa every day I’d probably wanna mentally check out too.  She also hocking chachki cuffs left and right.  Whatever.

Buy a Curtain Cuff, Alexa needs a car!

Buy a Curtain Cuff, Alexa needs a car!

Tamra:  Came on the show clearly to start a new life.  She’s was feeling her way around and now this year set up her stringent husband.  By the time she was done with him you’d have thought he was Joel Rifkin.  She’s now a “free bitch” and waited about 3 whole weeks after becoming separated from her husband of 1o years Simon Barney to hook up with their mutual friend Eddie Judge.  She now claims to be in love, is having her Simon tatoo removed and has never been happier.  Not bad spend a decade married to someone have 3 kids and get over it inside of a month and already be in love again.  Only when reality TV becomes your reality I suppose.  Scary little girl.

10 yrs married + 3 kids = 1 month til who cares

Tamra Barney and her new man Eddie Judge

Gretchen:  The younger woman whose cancer stricken fiance died last year was back this year with Slade Smiley formerly Jo’s significant other since season one.  His spinoff show with Jo didn’t go anywhere and I guess they ran their Bravo course so he found his way back onto the show via Gretchen.  He was less annoying than he used to be, and I dunno I just don’t hate him like so many others do.  He seems to have been humbled some since early on.  But Gretchen is singing and buying music publishing now, so who the hell knows.  Gretchen stood up to Queen Vicki during the reunion in a  logical and concise way so that was good at least.

Thanks for the bike, the 1.5 mil & the woman bro!

Thanks for the bike, the 1.5 mil & the woman bro!

Alexis & Jim:  Two poser Christians, he has a conviction for selling fake sports autographs and she’s a former Maxim hometown hottie.  They found each other, found “god” then stalked the OC – bought a car from Simon, a house from Jeanna (original cast member left this year) and went to Gretchen’s Gym.  All roads for them in their attempt to find their true god Andy Cohen, well mission accomplished.  They really bring nothing to the table other than boredom but Alexis does hate Vicki so she gets so likability there.

Livin the dream

Alexis, Jim and one of his "great shirts"

That’s my take on that show, now its the time of the years for NY and the Countless, awesome fashion plate Simon and the other yentas’.

Here’s an animation for you all to check out, it’s my FIRST full sketch, give it a watch and see what you think, “watch what happens live” with the self entitled host and his band of Bravo biatches.  Stick with it as it has, Vicki, Akio Toyoda, Bethany Frankel, callers and even singing and dancing.  KEEP CHECKING MORE WILL FOLLOW ON ANY NUMBER OF TOPICS!!!!!!!!!

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Kris permalink
    January 3, 2011 6:49 pm

    Stopped being a fan of Andy Cohen and WWHL a couple weeks ago. I didn’t realize how much Andy despises Christians. He left the Hanukkuh menorah up for weeks (which is fine, I guess…8 days of Hanukkah?), but couldn’t bother to wish his Christian viewers a merry Christmas. His pals are so terribly elite, snobby, secluded from the “fly-over” states. He hangs out with Christophobes like Joyless Maude Behar and Sandy Bernhard.

    Perhaps Andy “forgot” about Sandy’s little comedy act a couple years ago. During her skit, she called upon her “Black brothers from Manhattan” to gang- rape Sarah Palin. Isn’t that hilarious? Rape is sooo amusing, and gang-rape even funnier, right? Sandy was exposed for the true misogynist (towards straight women only) and racist she is. Why did she call on black men to rape Sarah? WTF is up with that? Her bigotry shone through, but she’s too ignorant to realize it. Two of my best friends were raped, Andy. I can assure you that their trauma, fear, terror and stress was not, and is not amusing. Ask Sandy why she finds gang-rape funny, mkay? Thanks.

    Since when does Andy Cohen give a shit about the US military? Here’s some news, Andy. Our soldiers, gay and straight, will be flying the AMERICAN flag, not the rainbow flag. Our military has 2 purposes: to uphold, protect and obey the US Constitution, and to defend America from enemies, domestic and foreign. If you think the military’s gonna be a loosey-goosey orgy, you are sadly mistaken. Gays have been honorably serving in our military for centuries, they just don’t advertise their sexuality. Being a soldier has nothing to do with coming out. Don’t act like you and your elitist pals respect our soldiers, cuz we know that you do NOT. You need to leave Manhattan for awhile, maybe make some new friends.

    So anyways, I’m done with Andy’s little after-show. I clearly see his hatred for all things Christian. Try to be openly gay under Sharia Law Andy; see how that works out for you. Sorry you are a hater, just know that we still love you. Do some soul-searching, stop kissing up to radical feminazis who hate the average, ordinary American. Thank God above that you live in the freest country on earth.

    And try not to despise us straight, white, conservative Christians. We’re not the enemy. Good luck to you! Bye-bye to WWHL! Oh, and PS: My nephew is gay, I adore him. I would beat the living shit out of any person who ever tried to hurt him. Lots of Christians love gays, so chill out, and stop making incorrect judgments.

  2. Butter permalink
    October 25, 2011 1:00 am

    Dude, whoever you are…. you should be typing up more blogs about the RHW and Andy Cohen!!! You are brilliant!

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