Skip to content

Harry Potter Part 8 Harry Potter Vs. The Half-Cocked Street King

February 28, 2012

Hello all after a LOOOONG absence you’re hero hath returned!  I have given to the people the never before seen or heard of eighth installment of the decade long and much beloved Harry Potter series.  After seeing little Harry find his way in the Sorcerer’s Stone and stumble upon the Chamber of Secrets, he was off to compete and find the Goblet of Fire, then fear an enemy but discover a friend instead in the Prisoner of Azkabam.  A now maturing Harry was to discover the Order of the Phoenix and learn and then fear the Half-Blood Prince before an almost grown Harry needed to save Mother England and the world from Voldemort and the deathly Hallows!

Harry Potter and the Half-Cocked Street King Title Card

Well, right there in between the Half Blood Prince and the Deathly Hallows was a story of a Cuban Drug Lord that was to meet a clubbing Voldemort in Miami.

Valdemort and his clandestine meeting with Tony Montana

Valdemort and his clandestine meeting with Tony Montana

After learning of Dumbledore  and Hogwarts along with the power and potential threats those soon to be witches  may present to his empire in the future Tony Montana has to abandon his former policy of no women no kids for the new policy of no witches, no kids and eliminate that would-be threat!  Can Harry Potter, Ron Weasely, Hermoine Granger and even Draco Malphoy stand in the way of Scarface?

Tony Montana and Lord Voldemort

So with no further ado please enjoy the trailer for part 6a Harry Potter and the Half-Cocked Street King.

Harry Potter and the Half-Coked Street King

“Bill Gates” Lays it down to High Schoolers??

July 9, 2010

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world doesn’t care about your
self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.


Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

This may be one of those internet Hoaxes, I don’t know but it’s a good set of rules anyway, except for #11 often times nerds are just assholes.

The Swingers Room

June 29, 2010

It took a little longer than I wanted to finish but I did a little tribute to American Icon’s check forging, serial divorcer & fossil Larry King, motorcycle crashing bathroom lover, QB Ben Roethlisberger and everyone’s favorite horned up porn star humping golfer Eldrick “Tiger” Woods.

Special shout out to , Jada Fire, Aletta Ocean and Riley Evans for their “inspiration.

Follow on Twitter http://twitter.com/BigJerkNetwork

More to come…

Kubrick ripped off Eyes Wide Shut from an 80′s Video!

June 4, 2010

I actually liked Eyes Wide Shut, thought it was a cool premise and movie.  But now I see this Laura Brannigan video from the 80′s called Self-Control and I realize that Kubrick was just drunk one night watching VH1 Classic and lifted the video for a movie idea.

Tom Cruise in the "Self Control" rip off movie

Lord Knows who as the original masked orgy-er

Don’t believe me?

Take a look for yourself

Yankees “NY” the Symbol for the wannabe?

June 1, 2010

Hmmm, that’s the question I pose here.  What do I mean?  I mean is the Yankees NY logo the easiest way to spot wannabe’s on the street and anywhere you go?  Let me explain briefly why I say this.

The logo of the wannabe

The symbol of the poser?

You see New York is currently overrun with Johnny come-lately’s that come here trying to be part of this Hollywood created image of New York City.  At the same time the New York Yankees have been spending into oblivion as MLB has no salary restrictions or rules so that’s their prerogative.  The Yankees are also excellent marketers, they tilt the table to their advantage, then advertise themselves as the “ultimate winners.”  Now, here’s what we have these elements combining into a filthy display of posers and fakers selling you, they are part of a fictional class.  I’ll call it the “uber-NY’er”  we’ve all met them the people from the Mid West that walk around NYC being rude and giving attitude with a Mid Western twang because they’re not on the farm anymore they’re “big city boys and girls now, daddy.”

Don’t believe me?  Don’t think Hollywood has adopted the logo as a symbol of lame-i-tude?  Let’s take a little look at some big fans

Victoria Beckham, is a big fan? Posh Spice, it's right there in the name, i could rest my case here.

Tila Tequila, she can describe the infield fly rule.

Paris Hilton is REAL, never a mindless trend follower.

Scarlett Johanssen just wants to blend in with the people.

Ashley Tisdale, I'd comment but I'm not sure who that is.

I think the reason for all of this false bravado and imagery may be the Yankees themselves, for you see as any REAL New Yorker knows the Yankees aren’t really from here, nope much like their current legions they’re transplants and that insecurity may be why they must spend more than anyone, build a bigger stadium than anyone and keep telling you about all their titles.  And we real NYers look and say, “good for you buddy.”  You see the Yankees were born in Baltimore and are the original Baltimore Orioles.

The ORIGINAL Yankees logo when they were the Baltimore Orioles.

We all know the media pushes the Red Sox as the Yankees main rival and maybe they are but who is it that the Yankees and their fans are really always taking shots at and trying to belittle?  The New York Mets is who, but why?  This town’s big enough for the two of them.  Why is because the Mets are truly New Yorkers, something the tainted Yankees know they can never be, no matter what they spend or how much they win, they’ll always just be that team that moved in.  You see The Mets’ roots are true, through and through.  They were born of native parents, the Bronx’s New York Giants and Brooklyn’s Dodgers, teams born and beloved by true New Yorkers back when that’s what New York was made of.  And like all true New Yorkers with a parent from the Bronx and one from Brooklyn the Mets settled into Queens.  Every-time the Yankees see the Mets hat they get angered because it’s mocking them and their tainted roots.  As we all know the Mets hat (thier real hat) is the Dodgers blue with the Giants NY symbol.

The formula for a Native New York baseball club.

It’s hard to explain jealousy and the motivations that then follow.  The Mets are happy with their cozy working man’s house in queens they don’t need a big tacky showy palace that’s in everyone’s face, that’s for the transplant show off’s.  New York was always a National League town and amongst REAL New Yorkers always will be, just no need for all the flamboyance and bravado, “let them do what they do in their palace, we’re having a good time in our house.”  That’s how the natives feel.

Let them have their Hollywood image…

Nick Jonas of Dallas, TX.   Showing his "New York Soul" indeed.

Nick Jonas of Dallas, TX. Showing his "New York Soul" indeed.

Michael Moore of Flint, MI. The Yankees can have him gladly.

Canada's Justin Bieber. We salute you too buddy.

Hayden Christensen of Vancouver. The real Anakin Skywalker ghost from Jedi was a Dodgers fan.

John Mayer of Conn. Dictionary definition of Poser wanna-be douche.

Chance Crawford of Lubbock, TX. Gossip Girl and Yankee hats, Tre Trendy.

Here’s some more fun ones…

Hayden Planetarium. She's doing it with a littlevariation. Yeah you go for it girl. WTF? Next please

Puffy with a what's what of trendy 101, Yankee hat, Obama shirt & cardigan. You go Sean John.

Trendy Hollywood

Ben Affleck isn't he like the poster child for Boston? Maybe there is a context for this pic? Who knows but 1,000 words, ya' dig

Kelly Bensimon the craziest b@tch on all of reality TV. If you know who she is I need not even comment.

Jay-Z gets special tribute here because he is taking responsibility and claiming HE is the reason everyone is wearing Yankee hats.  OK buddy, sure you are.  He’s part OWNER of the NJ Nets but no-one wears Nets hats including HIM.  That’s like if I start wearing Ray-Ban’s and take credit when I see other people in ‘em.  Come back to us Jay.

The Al Gore of Yankee hats, Jay-Z wants all the credit. (see above)

How’d I find all these pictures?  5 seconds on Google.  Celebs love to be trendy and love you to see them doing it.  I looked long and hard for Mets themed celebs, the pickins’ were slim outside of 1st pitches at the game, because real NY’ers don’t need to advertise they just do what they do.

Jon Stewart, NYC, NY.

Kevin James- LI, NY.

Chris Rock - Bklyn, NY

Jerry Seinfeld LI, NY

Matt Dillon - New Rochelle, NY

Viggo Mortensen - NYC, NY. Couldn't find a picture of him in a Mets item, but i read he is a huge fan and wore a David Wright t-shirt to an interview and Viggo is awesome she he's the pic exception.

OK, well what have we learned?  We have learned thanks to the media and the Hollywood machine combined with MLB’s no rules spending creiteria we have a little perfect storm.  With all of that in mind i made a little animation.  Give it a watch and maybe you’ll get a smile or two.  If not, oh well maybe next time.

Excelsior

* Special Note:  This isn’t really a bash of the Steinbrenner family, I have met Hal more than once and he’s always a true gentleman and I find him to be a truly fine human being (never met our star of the video Hank though, ha).  It’s more of an indictment of the competitive balance of MLB.  It’s just no fun this way.

Bethenny Frankel Tells it how it “is”?

March 24, 2010

Hey guys, I just did a quick animation; at the risk of becoming a one trick pony I have done another one themed toward the Real Housewives from Bravo.  This time it’s the real Housewives of New York.  I did it quick after I saw this weeks episode (episode 3) and Bethenny was at the Learning Annex here in NY to “teach” people about weight management etc.  and whatever else is in those books she’s always hocking.

Bethanny Frankel Bravo's #1 Self-Promoter

Bethanny Frankel Bravo's #1 Self-Promoter

Anyway, basically what they showed on TV was her bragging in a cutaway about how much she loves public speaking and how she’s in her element.  Then she proceeded to assume the podium tell everyone she’s nervous about “teaching” wanted to serve alcohol to relax everyone and the mood and then asked who came to sleep with her?

MY version of her "teaching" , Look BELOW

MY version of her "teaching" , Look BELOW

Talked about who she sleeps with and why.  And offered advice about diet that included people having more sex.  Then proceeded to label people as gay and further advised a man to freeze leftover from a large meal and potion them.  YES!  That’s what she is being paid to tell people.

Bethenny likes to talk about sex

Bethenny likes to talk about sex

Although i suppose on a show where Playboy MAGAZINE is called one of the most “famous books in the world” I should see this moment as enlightened.

So I whipped something up quick.

Andy Cohen and his Housewife Empire

March 17, 2010

Hi All,

I have been away a while but I have returned because I am finally making some progress with the animations I wanted to accompany this stuff.  So without further ado let me get to my topic.  Look I’m not pining away for classic Bravo to return with Opera and Kabuki theater but making it Andy Cohen TV is a little much.  Granted I used to enjoy the Twin Peaks reruns every night and the fact that Bravo never had commercials.  But, OK time moves on and I move with it.

Bravo is now all about obnoxious people.  Whether they be in real estate, PR, Fashion, hairdressing, high school or a “simple” housewife.

I speak of course about the Housewives of New York, Atlanta, New Jersey (yuck), and of course Orange County the one that started it all.  I must admit these shows for me a guilty pleasure, but the OC one which just ended has lost it’s luster.  The show used to center around 5 people that were all connected in some way, Jeanna lived next door to Vicki, they both knew Kimberly, Laurie worked with Vicki and Slade knew Jeanna and by proxy she knew Jo.

There ya go.  And every year they’d fight have nonsense and then move on to the reunion where they’d have to defend what they did when it was shown to them and every year people would watch that show and think to themselves.  “Man who is this idiot and why are they letting him host this?  He can’t even ask a follow up question.  What a tool.”

Nice when you can give yourself a show

From my Watch What Happens Live parody; Watch it BELOW

We have since come to learn that host Andy Cohen was a Bravo executive and decided to put himself on that show.  All one would need to do is consult a message board for 3 minutes to see that was not such a bright decision.  But what happens instead?  Well of course power corrupts so Andy decided he needed a weekly live show to follow his produced shows because he needs ever more expose.  So he can sit there like the dirt poor man’s Dean Martin with the drink but none of the humor or charm.  He has Housewives on to discuss the show that just aired and takes calls from well wishers.  But he is clueless, has no idea how to highlight a  guest and gets visibly annoyed when a guest upstages him.  All the while scoffing down drinks hitting on male guests, making sure we all know he’s Jewish and gay, and doing goofy bits that don’t have any point and the housewife de jour usually doesn’t even understand how to play.

Having said that I must sum up this past season on the OC housewives, as simply kind of awkward.  Its lost its charm, they don’t know each other nor do they have real lives outside of the show and what they can get from it.  Let’s take a look:

Vicki:  She’s the worst of the bunch, she’s the only original cast member left and feels that entitles her to some sort of odd cell block respect and bowing down.  She’s also a serious Narcissist.  Everything she does and says is right and whatever anyone says around her that’s not praising her no matter what the topic is “insulting” to her and she will let you know, cry and storm off.  It must be about her 100% of the time, it must be flattering and she feels no need to reciprocate.  Usually, she’s just looking to hammer someone and feel superior in the way she feels she of course is.  She frightens me, narcissists are SCARY.  I have a relative that’s one so when i see her I just want to RUN AWAY and HIDE!

www.BigJerkNetwork.com

Vicki Gunvalson

Lynne:  Last year was Lynne’s first and she was a lil slow on the uptick but seemed harmless enough.  Well, this year we were shown eviction #3 and her two daughters one worse than the other.  Although I suppose if I had to deal with Alexa every day I’d probably wanna mentally check out too.  She also hocking chachki cuffs left and right.  Whatever.

Buy a Curtain Cuff, Alexa needs a car!

Buy a Curtain Cuff, Alexa needs a car!

Tamra:  Came on the show clearly to start a new life.  She’s was feeling her way around and now this year set up her stringent husband.  By the time she was done with him you’d have thought he was Joel Rifkin.  She’s now a “free bitch” and waited about 3 whole weeks after becoming separated from her husband of 1o years Simon Barney to hook up with their mutual friend Eddie Judge.  She now claims to be in love, is having her Simon tatoo removed and has never been happier.  Not bad spend a decade married to someone have 3 kids and get over it inside of a month and already be in love again.  Only when reality TV becomes your reality I suppose.  Scary little girl.

10 yrs married + 3 kids = 1 month til who cares

Tamra Barney and her new man Eddie Judge

Gretchen:  The younger woman whose cancer stricken fiance died last year was back this year with Slade Smiley formerly Jo’s significant other since season one.  His spinoff show with Jo didn’t go anywhere and I guess they ran their Bravo course so he found his way back onto the show via Gretchen.  He was less annoying than he used to be, and I dunno I just don’t hate him like so many others do.  He seems to have been humbled some since early on.  But Gretchen is singing and buying music publishing now, so who the hell knows.  Gretchen stood up to Queen Vicki during the reunion in a  logical and concise way so that was good at least.

Thanks for the bike, the 1.5 mil & the woman bro!

Thanks for the bike, the 1.5 mil & the woman bro!

Alexis & Jim:  Two poser Christians, he has a conviction for selling fake sports autographs and she’s a former Maxim hometown hottie.  They found each other, found “god” then stalked the OC – bought a car from Simon, a house from Jeanna (original cast member left this year) and went to Gretchen’s Gym.  All roads for them in their attempt to find their true god Andy Cohen, well mission accomplished.  They really bring nothing to the table other than boredom but Alexis does hate Vicki so she gets so likability there.

Livin the dream

Alexis, Jim and one of his "great shirts"

That’s my take on that show, now its the time of the years for NY and the Countless, awesome fashion plate Simon and the other yentas’.

Here’s an animation for you all to check out, it’s my FIRST full sketch, give it a watch and see what you think, “watch what happens live” with the self entitled host and his band of Bravo biatches.  Stick with it as it has, Vicki, Akio Toyoda, Bethany Frankel, callers and even singing and dancing.  KEEP CHECKING MORE WILL FOLLOW ON ANY NUMBER OF TOPICS!!!!!!!!!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.